Willoughby: “I’m wearing tassels”

Holly Willoughby has vowed to continue wearing low-cut dresses on the new series of Dancing on Ice. HURRAH!!!

The shows host sparked complaints and plenty of jubilation from viewers (particularly me) when she donned one revealing frock on the ITV1 skating show last year. The dress in question particularly boinged out her jugs. It’s been revealed that the event almost turned Andi Peters straight.

"I never expected such a stir," Willoughby told the Daily Star. “I’m a size 12, I have hips and I like to dress in a feminine way. I won’t do anything differently this time. I’ve always worn the same style. I just pick the dresses I love. I have this one lined up for the next series. Yep you guessed it, I’m wearing tassels. Hey why not whack one off to Dancing on Ice. Me and Ferne might lez it up in a Nintendo DS advert soon. God I’m such a fucking tease. Now lick my boots.”

Holly Willoughby’s doinks will be making a welcome return soon. And uh oh she is having a baby… oh cripes oh CRIPES!!! Just imagine those things.

Deschanel: “Maybe…”

Zooey Deschanel has said maybe to Death Cab for Cutie Ben Gibbard’s marriage proposal.

Deschanel revealed: “I said maybe… I’m afraid I had to leave him hanging. The reason being, well I’ve been proposed to by someone else. The other day a drip of water popped the question. The drip of water has perhaps a better personality than Ben and is a definitely less whiney. We will just have to see how things go. I’m trying to approach the whole situation in a way that will give Ben the least amount of material to write some wet inoffensive wank indie cretin rock, as I certainly don’t want to hear another Death Cab or Postal Service album anytime soon.”

Barton: “I feel so fucking chill right now, I’m so mellow”

Mischa Barton has revealed that she is attempting to learn to play the sitar.

The former OC star spent her Christmas holidays in South Goa filming Bhopal: A Prayer For Rain and has now been inspired to master the traditional Indian string instrument.

"I must say my goal coming here was to learn to play the sitar," she continued, "I have no interest in the world’s worst industrial disaster that occurred in this flick I’m making. Past and current events don’t mean anything to me. Films and TV are so last week too, I mean c’mon I haven’t been in anything for like three maybe four years… out of choice. I’m going to concentrate on musack now as I call it, because I’m putting a little bit of everything in there. The fusion of sitar based funk with industrial techno is a phantom planet sound clash of emotions. But right now I feel so fucking chill, I’m so mellow, I live in a marshmallow, I dream daisy chains. I’m tired, my voice is boring me.”

have a rob lowe christmas!!!

Jackson needs new lungs

Michael Jackson is so greedy, not content with owning face parts that aren’t really his, Jackson now wants some new lungs.

The singer is reportedly suffering from a life-threatening lung disease and is in need of a transplant.

The Sun reports that the pop icon’s health is rapidly deteriorating due to genetic disease alpha-1 anti-trypsin deficiency, which causes a lack of protein to protect the lungs.

His biographer Ian Halperin said: "He needs a lung transplant, but may be too weak to go through with it,"

Jackson has been scouting for suitable young lungs by watching the X-Factor and claims to want that one from JLS that does all the singing. It’s alleged that he has also invited Eoghan Quinn round to his house.

Brian May: “I wouldn’t be able to spot a gay man even if he slapped his genitalia round my face”

Brian May has revealed that he did not realise Freddie Mercury was gay until several years after Queen formed.

"In those days it was the fashion to be kind of dandyish and I suppose we had a hand in creating the fashion, so there was this doubt in people’s minds as to whether you might be gay or not. It was a convenient little place to be," he continued, "I didn’t realise he was gay when he first joined the band. But now you mention it he did often call me into his hotel room when we were on tour. He would turn out all the lights and make me open up my mouth wide. Looking back he put his cock in there didn’t he. To be honest I have shit gaydar, I thought Andi Peters was straight, that totally shattered my universe. I wouldn’t be able to spot a gay man even if he slapped his genitalia round my face"

You wrote a song about her, don’t you remember?

Michael Jackson is reportedly being sued by a woman named Billie Jean, who claims that she is the biological mother of his third child.

Billie Jean has alleged that she gave birth to Prince Michael Jackson II, also known as ‘My Beautiful Blanket’, in 2002.

The singer has repeatedly refused to name the six-year-old’s mother, claiming that he was born as a result of artificial insemination.

Rumours have circulated that Jackson wanted the sensation of hearing ‘Billie Jean’ for the first time again. He went to see his pal Uri Gellar who erased his memory, but before he could hear the track fresh he went out on the razz with Tito and Jermaine. One thing lead to another and Billie Jean, Billie Jeaned him. Jackson claimed he was wearing two rubbers at the time and if a baby was born as a result of the encounter he would name it Houdini. He then laughed.

Bring on the WALL!

Amy Winehouse has reportedly become addicted to Dale Winton’s game show Hole In The Wall.

According to The Sun, the singer is an avid fan of the BBC One Saturday night entertainment programme.

"She reckons it’s the greatest TV show she’s seen in years, even better than Telly Addicts with Noel Edmunds" said an insider.

The source added: "She has asked Dale if she can star in an upcoming episode."

It’s suspected however that Winehouse has misunderstood the game show and thinks that the contestants dressed in those silver jumpsuits are just large hits of heroin wrapped in foil. It’s alleged that she sometimes watches the programme whilst shouting "I need to score" which her managers insist is her just really wanting to be on the show, nothing to do with drugs.

Just a Froot Loop

Katy Perry has reFROOTed speculation that she is engaged.

Perry denied the rumour on her blog, saying: "Not engaged! But thanks for the free press, New York Daily News! You should fact-check with the source before you spread worldwide news like that. I will say one thing though, Travis did have to sift through my excretion, but only because we thought I had accidentally swallowed the golden Froot Loop. It just wasn’t my lucky day however. Nevermind”